A Matter of the Heart

Up until recently I thought that you were a successful parent and that your child would turn out well if you did certain things. That if you teach, admonish and train your child using Biblical principles that you were guaranteed success with your child. Now don't get me wrong, the Bible does have a lot to say about parenting and I would never be so arrogant as to dismiss Biblical principles, but my theory about guaranteed success with children was not taking into consideration the fact that "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." God is very clear about the fact that we are ALL sinners. All of us have a sin nature that constantly pulls us towards our own selfish desires. Thankfully Jesus came to overcome sin and when we accept Him as our savior He gives us the tools we need to overcome sin too. But no where in the Bible does God promise that our kids are doing to turn out great because of our hard work. We only point them in the right direction, we can only be the voice behind them encouraging them to walk the straight and narrow, we can only set the example and pray for them, they make their own choices.

God blessed me with a treasure named Christian almost four years ago. When I was pregnant with Christian I truly thought that parenting would be easy. That's funny isn't it? My heart's desire was always to be a mom and my dream was coming true. I expected my delivery would go perfectly (wrong), that I would have him sleeping through the night by two months (wrong...it was 6), I would most definitely nurse him for a year because that's what good moms do (I did it but was pretty much miserable the whole time and just for the record - I didn't last that long with McKenna), and my child would never be the screaming kid in Target. He would never tell me that he didn't love me. He would never hit other kids, spit at me or have to be carried out of the baptismal service at church kicking and screaming. He would be a good friend and would obey his parents because I was going to teach him all of those things and I was going to be consistent. I was going to pray for him constantly and I was going to be strict with discipline. I was going to read lots of great parenting books and I was going to do what they said. We would not have the TV on in our house all the time and Christian was going to eat vegetables because I was going to tell him to and he was going to obey. We were going to read books every day and eat healthy meals and we would most certainly not go to McDonalds once a week. He was going to fill our home with pure joy!

So do you wanna know how it's going?

So far Christian has succeed at filling our home with pure joy! I love that boy more than earthly words could ever describe. I love how God has used him in my life to change me forever. I am a better person because I am his mom. I feel honored to be his mom and love spending my days with him (well, most of the time). I will also say that Christian is a fighter. I am thankful that God gave him an amazingly strong will because the moment he was born he had to fight for his life and he has pretty much been feisty ever since. Age two was rough, but I survived it hoping that it was just the terrible twos and that three would be better.

Unfortunately age three has been much worse. Christian can be completely endearing one moment and the next moment he can be so angry. It doesn't take much to fuel his anger and he has no idea how to handle it correctly. He's disobedient, defiant, disrespectful and very loud during these times and it absolutely drains my energy. Thankfully McKenna seems to be entertained by it all, but this mommy has felt like a failure over and over again. I have shed so many tears over this precious boy God has given me. I know that he is my responsibility and God gave him to ME because he knew that I would be the best mommy for this difficult child, but I definitely don't feel like I'm going a very good job most of the time.

A week or so ago we had had a particularly difficult day and I was putting Christian to bed and we were talking about the day and I told Christian that I really thought it would be a good idea for him to pray and ask Jesus to help him with his behavior. I always pray and ask Jesus to help Christian obey his parents and make good choices, but I felt like it was important for Christian to ask Jesus himself. Much to my surprise Christian said, "I don't need to pray. I can be a good boy by myself."

It was in that moment that the real issue became apparent to me. Pride. I realized that Christian's behavior issues were not about me, they were about him and his own sin issue. Over the past few weeks I feel like God has gently been showing me that sin is sin and although I'm not a perfect parent, I am doing the best I can. Certainly I'm not a perfect parent but the behavior problems I'm always trying to solve and control are really just heart issues deep inside my little boy. He knows the right thing to do, he's just not doing it.

We had a really sad night tonight. Daddy got Christian some new fireworks yesterday. They're a firetruck, monster truck, helicopter, air plane, tank, etc...and you light them up and they jump around and shoot out some sparks. Christian has been looking forward to setting these off for two days. The cousins were on their way over to our house for a fireworks display when Christian made a very bad choice and as a result he sat in his room and cried the entire time the rest of us were watching the fireworks. It breaks my heart just to think about it. He cried for over an hour, but when we talked about it he was only crying because he missed the fireworks not because he was sad that he had done something wrong. ((sigh))

Right before bed we were sitting on the couch and Christian said to me "Mommy, I'm going to be really, really, really good tomorrow" I just nodded feeling rather weary about the whole thing. Feeling sad that we couldn't have a fun family moment. And then Christian continued, "But sometimes I'm not nice. What if I can't be good? I don't think I know how."

It totally made me think of Romans 7:18 which says; "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out."

So I explained to him, again, that we can't be good on our own that we have to ask Jesus to help us. So that's what he did. He folded his precious hands and used his own words and asked Jesus to help him be a good boy.

I know that's not the end of our struggle, but it the start. I'm so excited that his little heart is starting to soften. Oh how I pray that God will use all of this to draw Christian closer to Him. And in the meantime I am going to work on not growing "weary in doing good." I am going to continue to seek the wisdom of my Heavenly Father, my earthly parents and my godly husband.
I wanted to share this because I have the sneaking suspicion that I'm not the only person with a trouble maker in their family. I have a feeling there just might be one other weary mom out there reading this blog and I just want to encourage you to continue to run the race with perseverance! Don't get discouraged! If you're overwhelmed - talk to God about it, share it with a friend, email me - I would love to encourage you!

I am so thankful that God has given me these frustrations in life because it has shown me how He must feel. Think about it for a minute...I love Christian with all my heart and right now God has given me authority over him and as a result I know what's best for him. He needs to obey me for his own good. It breaks my heart to see the hardship and sadness he brings upon himself because of the poor choices he makes. And I am so sad. I hate to see him struggling like this. Everything would be perfect if he would just listen to me Ha! BUT isn't that exactly how God feels about us. Doesn't he know what's best for us and want us to obey him, yet we make poor choices and it breaks His heart. It makes Him sad.

So today I'm going to do my best to honor my heavenly father and I'm going to focus on telling my little boy, not just that I love him, but I'm going to tell him all the things I love about him. And I'm going to tell him how much his Heavenly Father loves him and how He desires for him to have an abudant life filled with hope, joy, and peace!