Things I actually said today...

"No sir, I was not on my phone. I have no idea why I forgot to signal when I took the exit. I think my mind is just distracted. But I'm thankful I get the opportunity to speak with you. I appreciate your service & want to know that I support you even if you give me a ticket."

"So the good news is, this isn't going to kill him. The bad news is, we have a problem. Okay, then we will focus on the good news."

"Get a good drink at bedtime, you can't drink anything again until after your surgery tomorrow."

"I thought everyone knew this, but let's review... We do not play with lighters."

"If you break a window you do not have enough money to pay for it. I promise, it's out of your league. So from now on you only hit in the batting cage. Quit hitting the house with fly balls."

"Just buy a house. I don't care what house. Just buy one!"

"There are hard things in life & this is one of those hard things I can't do for you but we can go to Panera!"